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Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...