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I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.