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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.