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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver