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Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.