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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."