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i am not so think, as you drunk i am
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.