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When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Save time. See it my way.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!