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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.