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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.