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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?