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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.