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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.