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Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.