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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
drink beer ?? save water
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.