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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.