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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.