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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.