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It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".