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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.