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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.