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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.