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The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."