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Married sext: Iām not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!