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There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.