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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.