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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...