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I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.