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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?