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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.