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What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.