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Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.