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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.