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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Bored, so Iām going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him Iām him from the future.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time