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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Real friends show me their boobs
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole