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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.