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Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.