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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..