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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.