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I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.