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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.