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Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.