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Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave