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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.