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If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?