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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Youth is wasted on the young.