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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....