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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what