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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.