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So many rules; so little time to break them.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.