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Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.