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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?