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If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats