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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Hard butter is the devil.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list