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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I think Iām allergic to mornings.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!