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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...