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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.