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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?