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Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Gravity is a real downer.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!