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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”