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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Of course you should follow me. Iām funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.