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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.