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I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Sex, do it for the kids.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?