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Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...