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If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson