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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.