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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.