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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!