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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Reincarnation is my only hope.