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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.