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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.