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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?
is ready to have one too many!