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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..