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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.