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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.