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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
drink beer ?? save water
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.