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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.