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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.