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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.