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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.