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I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.