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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...