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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.