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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.