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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!