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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.