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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
It`s no fun if you have permission.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.