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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
I grew up for this?
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.