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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...