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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.