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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?