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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.