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According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.