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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.