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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.