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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
Marriage tip: Don`t
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.