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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.