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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
why do i feel like you are reading this
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.