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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.