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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.