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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.