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Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.