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I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.