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I believe in love at first episode.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.