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Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.