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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"